A PANEGYRIC ON OXFORD ALE

Balm of my cares, sweet solace of my toils,
Hail Juice benignant! o'ver the costly cups
Of riot-stirring wine, unwholesome draught,
Let Pride's loose sons prolong the wasteful night;
My sober ev'ning let the tankard bless,
With toast embown'd, and fragrant nutmeg whiffs
Tobacco mild improves. Divine repast!
Where no crude surfeit, or intemperate joys
Of lawless Bacchus reign; but o'er my foul
A calm Lethean creeps; in drowsy trance
Each thought subsides, and sweet oblivion wraps
My peaceful brain, as if the leaden rod
Of magic Morpheus o'er mine eyes had shed
Its opiate influence. What tho' for ills
Oppress, dire want of chill-dispelling coals
Or chearful candle, (fave the make-weight's gleam
Haply remaining) heart-rejoicing ALE
Chear the fad scene, and every want supplies.
Meantime, not mindless of the daily task
Of Tutor sage, upon the learned leaves
Of deep SMIGLECIUS much I meditate;
While ALE inspires, and lends its kindred aid,
The thought-perplexing labour to pursue,
Sweet Helicon of Logic! But if friends
Congenial call me from the toilsome page,
To pot-house I repaire, the sacred haunt,
Where ALE, thy votaries in full resort,
Hold tires nocturnal. In capacious chair
Of monumental oak and antique mould,
That long has stodd the rage of conquering years
Inviolate, (not in more ample chair
Smoaks rosy Justice, when th' important case,
Whether of hen-roost, or of mirthful rape,
In all the majesty of paunch he tries)
Studious of ease, and provident, I place
My gladsome limbs; while in repeated round
Returns replenish'd, the successive cup,
And the brisk fire conspires to genial joy:
While haply, to relieve the ling'ring hourse
In innocent delight, amusive Putt
On Smooth joint-stool in emblematic play
The vain vicissitude of fortunes shews.
Nor reck'ning, name tremendous, me disturbs,
Nor, call'd for, chills my breasts with suddent fear;
While on the wonted door, expressive mark,
The frequent penny stands descib'd to view,
In snowy characters and graceful row.--
Hail, TICKING! surest guardian of distress!
Beneath they shelter pennyless I quaff
The chearful cup, nor hear with hopeless heart
New oysters cry'd:-- tho' much the poet's friend,
Ne'er yet attempted in poetic strain!--
Nor proctor thrice with vocal heel alarms
Our joys secure, nor deigns the lowly roof
Of pot-house snug to visit: wifer he
The splendid tavern haunts, or coffee-house
Of JAMES or JUGGINS, where the grateful breath
Of loath'd tobacco ne'er diffus'd its balm;
But the lewd spendthrift, falsely deem'd polite,
While steams around the fragrant Indian bowl,
Oft damns the vulgar sons of humbler ALE:
In vain-- the Proctor's voice arrests their joys;
Just fate of wanton pride and loose excess!
Nor less by day delightful is thy draught,
All-pow'rful ALE! whose forrow-soothing sweets
Oft I repeat in vacant afternoon,
When tatter'd stockings ask my mending hand
Not unexperience'd; while the tedious toil
Slides unregarded. Let the tender swain
Each morn regale on nerve-relaxing tea,
Companion meet of languor-loving nymph:
Be mine each morn with eager appetite
And hunger undiffembled, to repair
To friendly buttery; there on smoaking cruft
And foaming ALE to banquet unrestrain'd,
Material breakfast! Thus in ancient days
Our ancestors robust with liberal cups
Usher'd the morn, unlike the squeamish sons
Of modern times: Nor ever had the might
Of Britons brave decay'd, had thus they fed
With British ALE improving British worth.
With ALE irriguous, undismay'd I hear
The frequent dun ascend my lofty dome
Importunate: whether the plaintive voice
Of laundress shrill awake my startled ear;
Or barber spruce with supple look intrude;
Or taylor with obsequious bow advance;
Or groom invade me with defying front
And stern demeanour, whose emaciate steeds
(Whene'er or Phoebus shone with kindler beams,
Or luckier chance the borrow'd boots supply'd)
Had panted oft beneath my goring steel.
In vain they plead or threat: All-pow'rful ALE
Excuses new supplied, and each descends
With joyless pace, and debt-despairing looks:
E'en SPACEY with indignant brow retires,
Fiercest of Duns! and conquer'd quits the field,
Why did the gods such various blessings pour
On hapless mortals, from their grateful hands
So soon the short-liv'd bounty to recall?--
Thus, while improvident of future ill,
I quaff the luscious tankard unrestrain'd,
And thoughtless riot in unlicens'd bliss;
Suddent (dire fate of all things excellent!)
Th' unpitying Barfar's cross-affixing hand
Blasts all my joys, and stops my glad career.
Nor now the friendly pot-house longer yields
A sure retreat, when night o'ershades the skies;
Nor SHEPPARD barbarous matron, longer gives
The wonted trust, and WINTER ticks no more.
Thus ADAM, exil'd from the beaueous scenes
Of Eden griev'd, no more in fragant bow'r
On fruits divine to feash, fresh shade or vale,
No more to visit, or vine-mantled grot;
But, all forlorn, the dreary wilderness,
And unrejoicing solitudes to trace:
Thus too the matchless bard, whose lay refounds
The SPLENDID SHILLING'S praise, in nightly gloom
Of lonesome garret pin'd for chearful ALE
Whose steps in verse Miltonic I pursue,
Mean follower, like him with honest love
Of ALE divine inspir'd, and love of song.
But long may bounteous Heav'n with watchful care
Avert his hapless lot! Enough for me
That burning with congenial flame I dar'd
His guiding steps at distance to pursue,
And sing his favorite theme in kindred strains.

By a Gentleman of Trinity College. I have trouble following some of this, but from what I gather this guy really likes beer.